Password Protection

Ever since the internet arose from the slimy depths of the collective human subconscious, passwords have been a necessity. And why not? Lord knows if I were a twelve year old girl I wouldn't want someone opening up my computer, checking my e-mails and seeing that I am a member of a fanfiction forum that specializes in homoerotic pornography based off of Harry Potter and that emo-vampire from Twilight.

(Contest: If someone wants to troll the internet to see if such a place actually exists, I will hyperlink to it, but as it stands I am too afraid of what I will find if I go looking for it to do it on my own.)

I remember back in the old days when a password was just that - a word that let you pass into the world of the internet (be it e-mails, chatrooms, or IM accounts). The word "slug" could be a password, and that was just fine.
But as cyberspace has morphed into a new and terrifying kind of animal, passwords have had to grow as well. And therein lies the problem.

You see, I work at a company that requires a password to get onto the computers. That same password is then applied to my company e-mail account
So far, so simple.
However, I also have to utilize a program that is specific to this company, and that requires its own password, which must be different than my computer password.
Ok...
The password for the computer and the e-mail must contain at least one number. Not so for my research program.
My university e-mail also requires that my password contain a number, but further specifies that I can't use any words from the English language... so really it isn't a password anymore. It's a Junior Jumble cypher as written by someone with a bowel-shakingly horrible case of dyslexia.
Then, when I need to check how many hours I worked last week so I can approve them so I can get paid, I have to enter still another password.

Still, if I just put my mind to it, I can remember all these passwords and never have to worry about them...

Until it is time to change them.

That's right, I can't be trusted to keep my own damn passwords a secret, so the world of technology helpfully decides when it's time to change them. The problem here is that all of these passwords are required to be changed at a differing interval of time.
So even if I were to simply make my most intricate and complicated password my universal password (which I have tried) sooner or later I will have to change one of them and the whole fucking system is thrown into utter disarray. Now I can't remember which one I had to change, and what I changed it to.
Suddenly I am typing in every password I have ever used until finally I simply mash the keyboard in frustration, only to find that the coagulative mess of characters I just created was the correct password all along. Because apparently I went through the same damn thing when I had to make the password in the first place.
Why? Because you can't reuse a password. Ever.
Now, I am no wiz when it comes to math, but I am guessing that by the end of my time on this earth, I will have created over 4,756 passwords. Most of them will be created by picking the name of a famous dead Russian (Leo Tolstoy for example) and then assigning him a random number (75).

This is why I love websites that allow me to pick a password, and judge it in real time for durability. A helpful box next to the "Enter desired password" field changes as a write.

Stop = Weak
Stopmaking = Frail
Stopmakingme = Fair
Stopmakingmewrite = Strong, but not good enough
Stopmakingmewritemore = Getting close...try again
Stopmakingmewritemorefuckingwords = Now you're just being mean, sir.

At least that incomprehensibly long string of bullshit will stick with me for the rest of my life.
Currently, my passwords are starting to feel a lot like my girlfriends. I lose one I loved and a new one comes along, and after a while I can feel a deep connection forming, until one day, seemingly without reason, they abandon me.

Someday we will figure out a way to simply feed a small sample of blood into a tube attached to our computers, using our very DNA as a password.
And the day after that we will have to expose our bodies to radiation to spark a genetic mutation, because unfortunately God didn't include enough numbers in our genetic code.