No, I Will Not See a Terrible Movie With You

I've begun to think that maybe the primary reason I will never find happiness in a true and lasting relationship is that I cannot be bullied into seeing a terrible movie. Every time I hear that some romantic comedy opened to $24 million, I can't help but feel that $12 million of that is guys who would have much rather been somewhere else, seeing something else, possibly while drunk.
Yet these stalwart heroes sit through an hour and a half of some interchangeable blond lobbing trite dialogue at some generically handsome man so that their girlfriend will be happy and they can go home at night content in the knowledge that the "We never do anything I want to do" argument has been warded off for at least another day.

Fuck that noise.

Maybe it's because I recently started seeing someone who thought that I could only truly be considered boyfriend material if I watched 'The Notebook' with her, or because the sudden and devious release of the newest Harry Potter movie suddenly has everyone asking me if I would be down to see it, but I've been thinking a lot about this whole "seeing movies together" thing.

Allow me to attack this perception that I am duty bound to see movies I don't want to with certain people from every angle I can think of.

1. I always go see movies that you want to see.
Yea, ok, so at the outset this looks like a pretty reasonable argument to put forward. I mean, if I make you go see a movie, then technically you should be able to make me go see a movie, right?
But did you see what I very subtly did there with italics? I highlighted the operative word.
Make. Forced. Coerced you to do under duress.
However, more often then not, I don't make anyone see any movie. In fact, I can say with absolute certainty that I've never made anyone see anything. And how do I pull this trick off? How can I still see all the movies I want even if no one else will go with me?
I go alone. Obviously.
It's possible. I've done it a lot. They don't stop you and ask you where your buddy is why you aren't holding their hand when you see a movie.
Still, most of the people who want me to see a movie with them use the "I've seen movies you want to see" approach with me anyway. So what happened? If I could just go alone, why didn't I?
Because they invited themselves along and I was too nice to tell them no.
Now don't get me wrong, most times I don't mind having someone along. I like being able to talk about a movie. But don't bring up that time we went and saw Funny Games and you freaked the hell out because it was so terrifying and cruel. I was going alone. You wanted to come. I warned you.
Tit-for-tat in a relationship is wholly acceptable. Compromise is what makes a relationship run. But you forcing your company on me during an experience I tell you you won't like and then demanding that I follow you to an experience I know I won't like doesn't make any damn sense.
It's like cutting off your thumb and then demanding that I do the same because you did it first.

2. It's not that big a deal.
How dare you, you presumptuous ass.
First of all, how can you deign to designate an art form's level of importance to someone else?
Let's say that on average a movie's time requirement is about 2.5 to 3 hours. That's three hours out of a 16 hour day (assuming you're getting the required 8 hours of sleep). That's almost one-fifth of my day I am devoting to something. Something that costs on average about $10.
That, my friend, is a deal, maybe even a big one. For ten bucks I could rent two good movies at Blockbuster. For 3 hours I could watch The Godfather. I could be doing so many better things with my time than watching Bride Wars.
I view movies as art. I don't go to a museum featuring art I have no interest in. And if I did, I could look at a painting for a minute and then move on. I don't listen to country music, and even if I was forced to the average song only lasts 3 minutes.
Movies require a much greater time and money commitment and therefore become a much bigger deal than you seem to think.

3. It will make me happy.
That's not my job.
If seeing a movie in general won't make you happy, why would having me there hating every moment of it make it any better?
This basically amounts to you being that kid who tortures frogs just for the fun of it, with me as the frog.

I don't wanna watch Twilight!

In fact, more often than not, I don't invite people along to movies because it will make me less happy because I know they won't like the movie. I'll be worried that they will think the movie is terrible and won't have enjoyed themselves.
I don't like putting people in a position of unhappiness. I also don't want to have to deal with their whining.

4. Please?
You didn't say "Pretty please" so no. Sorry.

In closing, allow me to say this, for the record:

If you ask me to go see a movie with you, and I turn you down, it's nothing personal. I just think you have terrible taste in movies.